How NOT to Woo a Woman

It's time for another list! Unfortunately this one is based on actual experience (or in a few cases, the experiences of friends). So guys, if you don't want to impress a woman or be classified as a gentleman, follow these simple steps:

1. You don't want your woman to have high expectations. Early on in the relationship, set her straight by saying, "I know I really should be opening doors for you, but then I'd have to do it for the rest of my life".

2. Keep her guessing. Call her a lot at first, and then slowly start tapering off. Once you get her hooked, let her do all the work.

3. When the check comes, just let it set for awhile (maybe she'll get it).

4. If number three fails, then hem and haw and act a little weird about it. She's sure to offer to pay her part. When she does, pretend you don't hear her correctly and let her get the whole thing.

5. In long distance dating, when making plans to see each other, make sure to calculate how many miles you're driving, factor in mpg of your car, and figure out a total amount the trip will cost (out loud) so she can appreciate all you're doing for her.

6. Forget to mention that your divorce isn't final yet.

7. Borrow your roommate's sports car, pretend it's yours and impress your date.

8. Play "I Can Love You Like That" on repeat so she gets the message of what a gem you are.

9. If she works in a restaurant, go sit in her section drinking tea for several hours. You'll be doing her a favor by holding up that table all evening. That's fewer people she has to wait on. And she'll feel so warm and fuzzy knowing that you're there watching her every move.

10. Tell her, "You are beautiful....I mean, you're no Cindy Crawford or anything, but you're beautiful."

11. If the date's not going well, drop her off at the door of the restaurant and take off.

12. If you meet at the restaurant, don't walk her to her car unless it's convenient. You want her to feel a little scared so she can appreciate how safe she feels when you actually are around. And if anything bad happens to her, you can come running to save the day.

13. Talk about your ex all night. She needs to know every little thing she did wrong so she won't fall into the same patterns.

14. If you like your girlfriend but think she's on the cusp of being too fat for you, tell her, "You're OK now, but I just worry that you don't care how you look. I don't want to be having sex some day with some 200 pound woman". (In case you were wondering, no we were not having sex, he was just thinking way ahead).

15. If you say anything that could be perceived as shallow in any way, use this as your excuse, "I know that may sound shallow, but that is just how God made us men."

Online dating tips for men:

1. When you meet, say, "Wow, I guess you're just really photogenic!" (OK, this hasn't actually happened, but I thought it was funny).

2. Women like a man in charge. If you see a profile you like, don't waste time with small talk. Write her immediately and say this (actual excerpt here)...

"If I flew back to your place on Saturday, would you pick me up at the nearest airport. Plan. Three to four days on your couch. Homemade dinner three nights, candlelight. Couple glasses of wine, and a little light. If we get along, great, if you think differently, then I fly back on Thursday. If it works out I can get a job close by, or you could move to California,"

...If she says "stop writing me, I'm not interested", know that she's probably just playing hard to get.

3. Tell her about how holy you are. Once that's out of the way, you can get on to more fun things. Start writing about what you'd like to do to her sexually. You've got to test the waters and see how far she'll go. If she sounds like no fun, then just find someone else to write.

4. Half the battle is getting to the date. Tell her "It's all about you. I'm going to treat you like a queen." Then when you meet, you can revert to talking about your favorite topic.....you.

5. Ask for her phone number right up front. Who wants to waste time on emailing? If she complains that you don't have enough information in your profile, maybe you can get her number by saying, "I can answer all your questions on the phone."

6. Make sure you make your job sound great. If you work at Walmart in the paint department, for example, tell her you're a color specialist (don't say where). If you work as the Walmart greeter, tell her you're in the hospitality business. If you count anything in your job (french fry orders, video returns, etc) tell her you do some accounting.

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All that to say I had a great weekend date with a wonderful Christian man from Wichita this weekend. He knew how to be a gentleman and made all those other cads look really bad. Alas, the chemistry wasn't there for him so I guess the search for Mr. Right continues.